Amazing Member Spotlight: Carol Rose

As part of a lifestyle and aging series, we’re working with renowned photographer Terry Lorant to showcase inspirational leaders in the industry. Each month, we’ll feature an inspirational member of the Amazing Care Network community who is using his or her voice to empower others in the collective aging experience — and read, in their own words, what the Amazing Care Network’s efforts mean to them.

This is my story…a story of love, and time, and how strange life can be: In 1960, while in nursing school in Newport RI, we would invite the Navy Officer Candidates to our dances. At one of the events, I saw this incredibly handsome guy across the dance floor, and made a beeline for him and met Bill Rose from Cedar Rapids Iowa.

While he was there for his 3 months, we saw each other as frequently as possible. He graduated in December with orders to be stationed in San Diego. I graduated from school the next September, so it was a while before I could move to San Diego. We had dated for a couple of years, but he was out to sea a lot for 6 months at a time. It was my first time away from home. I started dating others. One was also named Bill. When Navy Bill came back into port, I broke it off. It was the biggest mistake of my life. Bill said his mistake was not asking me to marry him on 1962. Then there would have been a commitment not to be broken.

50 years later…I’m divorced 8 years. And I think I need to find Bill Rose and close that circle.

Thanks goodness for the internet. It took me a year to locate him. But I was like a bulldog on a pant leg. I checked every high school in Cedar Rapids. I found his school, but it had closed so I couldn’t leave a message. I checked his ship, but I couldn’t follow through on that. I checked social security (because you can find out if someone is collecting or not, as in deceased). I checked Facebook and all of those social sites. I signed up looking for Bill Rose (too many of those). I tried every source I could think of. No luck.

When it came time for my 50th nursing reunion, I was helping by searching for classmates we couldn’t find. On PeopleFinder’s I look for Bill Rose again. And lo and behold, up he pops…I knew I’d found him because we have the same birthday (there are, of course, a gazillion Bill Roses).

I called the number and left a message saying “this is Carol James from Newport RI and I’m looking for an old friend “. I didn’t know what his situation might be, of course. He called me back the next day. And I found out he was a recent widow and had worked for Kaiser in Northern CA. He was their CFO. I was working for Kaiser in So. Cal. as an ER nurse. He retired in ’99. I had retired in ’99. But I went back to work because of the divorce.

He suggested we talk a while to see if we have anything in common. We had so much in common, it was just unbelievable…lots of crazy coincidental things…we liked the same wine, we took notes on post-its about just absolutely everything. We had the same blood type…we had the same drug allergies, liked same music, doing crosswords and Sudoku. Our personalities were similar—easy going, very neat and orderly, etc etc. Just incredibly compatible.

I had never really gotten over him. I had the scrapbook from when we were dating, the anchors from his uniform, the Navy emblem on front of his hat. Concert tickets we had gone to and many other mementos. I had just never forgotten him.
Recently, there was an article in the Sunday paper about first loves, and how many of them are reconnecting now. I felt like the article was written about us. So…we talked for about 5 weeks, but after about the 3rd or 4th conversation, it was all over for me. I just jumped back 50 years.

I went up to Northern California, where he lived. The second night he tells me he loves me. Three months later he asked me to marry him. This is 2012. How many people are fortunate enough find the love of their life and have the happiness, excitement and thrill of young love again. It puts the blush in your cheeks, sparkle in your eyes and the bounce to your step.

At this point though, he had lost his wife only 4 months earlier, and here I come into his life again. She had been ill for many years. I felt like I needed to wait for at least a year after she had died for his children’s sake. In hindsight now, I’m sorry I did, because that was 3 months more we could have had together.

He was healthy. I was healthy. He looked Great. It was unbelievable. We were married in April of 2012. He moved to San Diego.

His home in Danville sold in 20 minutes. Someone walked in and made an offer. I was living in a tiny place in SD where I’d moved after my divorce. I stayed in the area because I had wonderful friends who got me through my divorce. I believe that’s what Amazing Care will do…help us get through all those really tough times!

Then, of course, we needed to look for a place of our own, down here, so we’re out looking around one weekend and see an open house sign, walk in and make an offer. And it’s our home, this place.) Everything was happening as if it was “meant to be”. If I heard it once I heard it a thousand times. We were so blessed.

Two months after we got married, he had a drug reaction. They had changed his arthritis medicine. He was in the hospital for 6 weeks, and it’s a miracle he lived, because it shut down his lungs. (A rare side effect from the drug.) How many times have I asked “why?” Why didn’t we leave well enough alone, why didn’t I recognize the symptoms, why were we given so little time together?

He managed to survive that episode…the doctors said ‘he had a reason to live’. He got out of the hospital, and with 80% lung capacity, only having to use oxygen at night, it seemed, This is manageable and will work out fine. Our one year anniversary comes up and we decide to celebrate in Northern CA where we were married and where we had our “first date. But, he develops pneumonia. Now his lung capacity is 40%…and that’s not compatible with life. I feel that God put me back into his life so I could take care of him. That was my purpose. This strapping 6’2” guy went down to 120 pounds. There was nothing left of him. I tried anything and everything…I would give him protein drinks with bananas…he could only eat a quarter of a sandwich at a time. It was sad, but, I’m glad I was there.

His children came down…they live in Northern CA, and they said, “He’s lucky that he has an angel to take care of him”. That made me feel so good. We’d only been married a year and a half. They had a hard time accepting me. I know they liked me. But, I took their mother’s place and I took their dad away. But, everything was falling into place like it was “meant to be”.
Someone said something to me that kind of made everything fall into place…God knew his time was near, and that’s why He put you two back together. It made me stop asking why, why, why. It didn’t stop the sadness though.

That’s what Amazing Care all about. It’s mostly women, because we’re outliving our husbands. He was two years older than me. I feel fortunate…I was literally taking care of him for a year, but the last 6 months was constant. I went to a caregiver’s class. The caregivers have almost a harder time than the patient. Because sometimes the patient isn’t aware of what’s going on, and you are drained. I see that as one of the ways that Amazing Care will work. You’re going to be making friends, and they could be there for you.

Cora & Bill used to work together at Kaiser. Cora is this magnificent lady, so full of energy, so out there with ideas. Her brain never stops! She started Sterling and Bill retired from Kaiser. He went to work for Cora helping with financial advice at Sterling. She’s such a giving person, and Amazing Care Network will be a success because of her. People want to be in on what Cora is doing.

One of the aspects of Amazing Care I like most is the retired medical consultants that Cora has as a part of the program.

Being a Kaiser member, and also being a nurse, I didn’t have the difficulties that some are having, or will have. I have long term care. I still want to participate as a member of Amazing Care…I make the monthly contributions to my account. Maybe I’ll need it…I don’t know. It’s a cushion…It’s insurance.

I worked in an Emergency Room, and I stay in touch with all of my nursing friends on a regular basis. When Bill was sick, they wanted to be here, so I could go and do what I needed to do…grocery shopping or whatever. The backup for me was such a relief. I think that’s one of the things that ACN could possibly provide.

I like the idea of the retired physicians. Not everyone has that kind of resource. I felt so blessed that I had it. And I think that’s what Amazing Care is going to provide for its members. I love the physicians and professionals that Cora has come in and talk at the teas. They are so informative. That’s what people need when they don’t have a medical background…a consultant who is there for them. That part is so important.

I like the camaraderie of the teas. I know it’s a lot of work, but meeting these special women…they’re smart and focused and caring, and I like being surrounded by people like that. So many times I have thought, if you look around at your friends, and if they’re really neat people…that’s who you are…because they are a reflection of you.

I like the other members, I like Cora, I like the people she’s pulled together. The program just seems to be moving and expanding. I see it going country-wide. When she was talking about introducing the Doulas, I thought what a great idea!
When I got an invitation to the tea, I was so impressed with the program, I just knew, I want to be a part of it…

I see all these layers with the physicians and the support, and the financial aspect…we had a financial speaker at one of the teas…all of this information will be so helpful for people.

One of the things that I look forward to addressing in more detail…when you’re caring for someone, sometimes you get so stressed, and irrationally, you get angry. You get angry at the situation you and your loved one are in and that you can’t fix the inevitable. I didn’t have the time that people who’ve been married for years have. I still went through all those feelings and thoughts. I’d like to have a speaker talk about the caregivers and what they’re going through.

Bill died October of 2013. I knew we didn’t have a lifetime ahead of us because of our ages so you try to make every day count. I’m doing the kinds of things now that we were going to do together. I’m traveling. One of the things on my bucket list, and we were going to do it together, is Banff and Lake Louise and Calgary. I’ve never been there before, so I have a reservation to take the train from Vancouver to the Calgary Stampede.

People say to me…you don’t mind traveling alone? I’ve been a widow for 3 years now. You put yourself out there to begin a new life and journey! All our time frames are different. My purpose in life is to help someone who may be going through losing a family member in whatever way I can, because of my experience. Keeping and staying in touch with my new Amazing Care family and dear friend Cora.

Story and photos by Terry Lorant.