As part of a lifestyle and aging series, we’re working with renowned photographer Terry Lorant to showcase inspirational leaders in the industry. This is the second part of the first installment in the series: a spotlight on Joan Haratani, a partner with Morgan Lewis who has been recognized as one of the “Top 100 Lawyers in California” by the Daily Journal. Joan was one of three panelist speakers at Amazing Care Network’s Afternoon Tea With Amazing Leaders in Oakland on October 15th. Read Part I of her spotlight here.

 

Joan Haratani: I think that human beings have this very interesting and peculiar tendency. No matter what age we are, we think that we’re immortal. They say teenagers think they’re immortal. But, people in their 50s and 60s think that they are immortal as well. I can do whatever I want, and I’m going to be just fine! So, how that’s informed me…the reality check… is guess what sweetheart…you too will die. This is going to happen to you too. So think about it. Be deliberate about it and think about the fact that people I love, my family might be in other parts of the country. So who’s going to take care of me? (Right now, one of my best friends, at the age of 55, younger than I am, is dying. So, certainly not him.) There are no guarantees, so you really need to be objective and realistic about how you want to die. Because, it’s going to happen.

And here’s another thing…death takes a while. My aunt was sick for 3 months, at the age of 96. That took a while. My friend Dan was diagnosed 9 weeks ago. He might live another 9 weeks. I don’t know. It takes a while. It’s not like this scene in the movies, where they’re dying, and then they die and everyone cries. No. It’s very messy. Death is messy. And it’s very complicated and it just takes a long damn time. And thank god. Because I kind of think of it as labor…there’s a reason why having babies takes 9 months of gestation. I think it’s for the people who are going to be raising this kid to get ready for the idea. And I think death takes a while, because you just have to sit with it. And just realize that ‘This Is Happening’. I look at my friend Dan. I looked at my aunt every day, and I still can’t believe this person I love so much is dying. And I’m seeing it, I’m witnessing it, I’m seeing the decline and I’m seeing all of it and there’s a part of my brain that just can’t grasp it. It’s amazing how dense we are. Some part of our brain just goes into fantasy-land and there I am thinking “nah, he’s going to be fine”. It’s always shocking. That’s just part of it. It’s part of our process and we’d best think about. We’re thoughtful about so many things, jobs, careers, who you marry, where you live, what kind of car you want, consumer reports for the best dishwasher. We do all this research about crap that really doesn’t matter. But the crap that really Does matter, like how you’re going to depart, how your loved ones are going to depart. What do you want?

So many arguments can come up over a funeral…stupid stuff, that really tears families apart…it becomes symbolic of who was the closest person, and who loved so and so more…all of this crap is avoidable if the person who eventually dies and leaves everybody else cleaning up their mess, just articulates what they want.

And that’s one of the gifts that Cora is giving to all of us with the Amazing Care Network. Be thoughtful. Write it down.

A favorite story, that I heard at an Amazing Care event…a woman told of going to a dinner, called by an aunt, or grandmother. It was a fancy dinner at the house. They all sat down and there was an envelope on all of their plates, and the hostess said ‘please open it’. And it was her wishes. All written down…this is what the service is going to look like, this is how I want my ashes taken care of. And so on down the list. ‘I just want all of us here to be clear, that this is what I want. And now let’s enjoy dinner.’ She was still completely healthy. Brilliant!

I think in the old days, in my family culture, they all took care of each other. Society is different now, and we all come from different cultures, and I think the Amazing Care Network can become the family that you choose to be a part of. It becomes a support group, it becomes your friends, it becomes your extended family. I really think of it like bringing old school or old village values to 2015 in the modern era. Like in old villages in ancient times, we took care of each other thru death. We had rituals. Now what do we do?

The Amazing Care Network looks at a part of our lives that’s precious and sacred and gives permission and support and encouragement to talk about it. Without being depressed, without being ashamed, and without needing to guilt-trip other people…like your kids. It makes an otherwise dark subject, light and transparent. And I think that’s a great gift that Cora has given us.

Terry Lorant is a renowned photographer with over 20 years of documentary experience. Her recent assignments include work with the Global Fund for Women in Uganda, Adobe Systems Inc., and Boston Scientific/Stryker. You can learn more about Terry and her work on her website.