Amazing Member Spotlight: Erin Weidner (Pt. 1)

As part of a lifestyle and aging series, we’re working with renowned photographer Terry Lorant to showcase inspirational leaders in the industry. Each month, we’ll feature an inspirational member of the Amazing Care Network community who is using his or her voice to empower others in the collective aging experience — and read, in their own words, what the Amazing Care Network’s efforts mean to them.

Erin Weidner: In my business life, I am a little evangelical about getting women to talk about uncomfortable subjects: in my case it’s about money, our finances. So when I met Cora, I saw a lovely, compelling, smart woman trying to get us to talk openly and honestly about what we’re going to face later in life. When, not if, we become infirm, or when we die. I was absolutely intrigued. She’s creating a environment with Amazing Care Network (ACN) where we are with this group of lovely women, talking about things that really matter.

Every time I sit down with a new female client, it’s often the same refrain, ‘I don’t want to look; I don’t want to think about it; I know it’s there, but…’ I refer to these women as Newly Head of Household. If you are not married, you’re already head of your household, but if you are married, statistically 40% of those marriages will end in divorce, and another woman becomes head of her own household. Take the remaining married 60% and 16% will be widowed before 65, another 15% will be widowed between 65 and 75 and then another 24% will be widowed after 75 years old. That’s a lot of head of households, that’s a lot of time when the woman’s in charge of the money and if they haven’t thought about it ‘oh, my husband takes care of that’ or ‘I don’t want to look at it.’ Well, there’s going to be some hard work ahead.

It is the same thing that we do we do with this whole topic of death, dying and aging. We’re quick to say, ‘I know it’s there, but I’ll get to it later.’

These are the topics we’re talking about within Amazing Care, whether we’re talking about taking care of ourselves, or taking care of our parents. We don’t want to look at it, and Cora puts us in a place when she does those circles and she asks those questions and everybody talks it back and forth. We’ve opened up to it, we realize it’s a safe place, which means we can now listen, with people around us who want to talk it through as well.

At the quarterly Teas, we listen to each other’s stories to get a feel for who’s there in the room, which allows us to relax. Then we listen to a speaker talk about a difficult topic. When we’ve held the Teas at the golf club, we sit outside and have these amazing conversations afterwards, amongst ourselves. I remember thinking after the Jen Brokaw talk, looking around the room and thinking, alright, at least there’s these women who will talk to me about the tough stuff when the time comes. We’re talking about our own health, or my parent’s medical concerns or palliative care—words that weren’t even part of my vocabulary a year ago. If we can talk about these things, it’s not so frightening. It’s the same thing I feel about finances…if you talk about it, it’s not fearful. You’re not afraid of it…it’s not this big monster out there. Then it’s, ‘OK, of course. Of course I’m going to die at some point, but it doesn’t have to be the most frightening awful thing’.

But it’s the hardest thing to explain.

We get together and we’re asking questions and we’re creating an environment where everybody knows a little bit about the people in the room. Then there’s a good speaker who opens us up ideas and questions, and then we continue to talk. I think the conversations part of ACN is so important.

The idea that we’ve committed to saving, every month (maybe not a huge amount, I too am rebuilding my financial life post-divorce) it’s nice to know that money is there. I’m not just talking about it, or thinking about it quarterly, I am putting money aside every month. It’s a good way to prepare. It’s nice to see money build up when you don’t really think about, and these funds will be there specifically to help with these tough issues that we’re talking about, and grappling with.

Just the idea of inviting women to get together is profound. The first time someone hears Cora speak, it’s great, this idea of talking about uncomfortable topics. It’s a good quarterly meeting place where we have speakers who talk about planning for life’s inevitabilities. For me, the refreshingness of this is huge. You’re in that place where you’re open and vulnerable because of the questions with which we introduce our neighbor at the start. For instance, ‘What would you tell your 80 year old self?’ certainly gets you talking to the person sitting next to you. People often share their own memories of aging, from grandparents, or from other role models. We start asking questions and going around the room, and you begin to feel like everyone is in the same boat–we’re all in the same place. “Okay, now I can relax and listen to someone talk about a very vulnerable topic.’ Great speakers are essential to the mix, Cora is a great speaker, Jen Brokaw is a great speaker; for me, that’s the premise of Amazing Care at this point.

This group is a place of safety, a place of trust, of vulnerability, of being able to let down your guard enough to say, ‘Okay, you can make a plan here for your eventualities.’ It’s the concept of a ‘Plan B’ –that if you have a Plan B, you won’t need it. That’s what ACN is, it’s a Plan B. I tell my clients this all the time, if you plan for worst case, your Plan B, then you’ve got it covered. However, when you don’t plan for it, then you’re afraid of the worst. That’s what I think Amazing Care is trying to do, encourage us to make a Plan B. Truthfully, it is really a Plan A, because we’re all going to get there. It is about reducing fear.

I hadn’t really thought of it this clearly before, but I do believe in reducing fear. In the work that I do, women come to me and they’re scared, they’re afraid. All they want to know is, “Am I going to be ok?” Often enough, they don’t even know what it is they don’t (yet) know.

I feel like ACN is addressing same thing, ‘I know that I will to die at some point’ or maybe we don’t even say that, but at least at Amazing Care teas, we do. We can laugh about it, but it’s true. The conversations, and the information shared take away the fear. That’s why these speakers are so important. The speaker on palliative and hospice care, was really a heavy topic, but so good. People came to the next ACN Tea, because we knew we were growing into our discomfort.

When I’m working with a new client, a woman who’s newly head of household, either from death, divorce or the incapacitation of a spouse, the first thing we do is to take stock. ‘Am I going to be okay? Is my money going to last?’ Truth is, what is, is. We just look at it, then we can figure something out. There was a Barron’s article recently, essentially saying, ‘It’s not as bad as we might believe it is, and as the fear mongers want us to believe it is.’ So, let’s not be preyed on by fear mongers, let’s take a look at what we’ve got. If we don’t have enough, if you’re not going to be able to live on your own, well then, start planning. Make another plan. Take stock. Make a plan. Move forward. What is, is.

This is precisely what we do at Amazing Care Network(ACN). Everyone tells a little bit of their story, so we can relax—and then we can listen. Before sharing, we walk around pretending, ‘We’ve got it covered’ because the alternative is far too frightening. The thing is though, the fear of the unknown does hang over us, and we think we’re not looking at it, that it’s not affecting us, but it is. We know it’s there.

This is why I feel strongly about changing the conversation and why I identify with Cora and her desire to shape our conversations around aging and late life care. Cora is determined to change the conversation, within these ACN groups of women (and great when men join!) utilizing the basic structure of a Ladies’ Tea. I too want to have conversations on this next chapter.

Life happens, and when we haven’t thought about it, haven’t planned for it, we suffer.

One of the observations I embrace is that women are planners, we want to have a picture. I think we’re natural planners because we can have babies. Think about it, we’re planning for a whole 9 months. We have a picture and a plan in front of us, and that’s where we’re heading. However, when something happens, when our plan is disrupted, or destroyed by any of those newly head of household ways we are rudderless, often while traumatized. Not a healthy mix.

When I divorced, I had no picture of my future. I believe this is one of the things that financial planning does, it brings us towards a number, ‘This is how much you can expect to earn from your money. Your money can last you until you’re 70 or until you’re 90 if you’re only taking 4-5%, the yield off of it. This way it can last for your lifetime.

With Amazing Care, I do feel like I am making a plan. While my end of life plan may be rather nebulous at this point, it is out there. Hopefully out there a long way, but I am actively doing what I can. Quarterly, I’m revisiting these difficult topics and I’m thinking on a plan with people who want to think about it too. Cora has created a safe environment with Amazing Care where this can happen.

(Stay tuned for Part II of Erin’s story.)
Photos and story by Terry Lorant.